Let Hope Rise- "The Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has NOT overcome it." John 1:5

We went to church Sunday, and it felt so good to be there! We hadn't been in about 6 weeks! Singing worship songs was soothing to my soul, and painful too. We sang "You're Beautiful" and the part that says "when we arrive at eternity's shore, where death is just a memory and tears are no more..we'll enter in as the wedding bells ring, your bride will come together and we'll sing, You're Beautiful." I was filled with emotion thinking about sweet Titus. I don't know if I can explain all the emotion I felt in that moment. I was sad because I felt I hadn't held him enough when I wasn't loopy from pain meds. I was afraid I'd forget his face, and only have the memories of Bryan or pictures..and that's not the same as learning someone's face in your own memory. Bryan asked me the morning of the funeral if I wanted to see him again. I said no. But, it's hard to know what you want. I've never lost a child before. So, at the same time though..this song comforted me, because I know where Titus is is just a pain-free, joyous place. And through all the pain we've been through, I've often sung words like that and truly believed that when Jesus returns that will be SO much better than this life. Better than pregnancy..better than knowing your child and watching them grow up, better than your child being completely healthy, better than anything we desire to do or see on Earth. And believing that is a tug of war a lot, honestly..because there are good things on this earth that God has given us to enjoy.

Then, we sang "With Everything" by Hillsong. This song is my new favorite! It reminded me that with anything I'm going through, I'm called to praise God. And the Truth in this song that hit me the most is the verse in it that says "Let hope rise, and darkness tremble in Your Holy light." This is what I want in my heart, for hope to reign. Because where His light is, the darkness- Satan, has no chance! I have to remember this everyday when I'm in the NICU. Because everyday there is some hope told to us by doctors and nurses..but then there is always something new that Asher needs to overcome. I asked the nurse practitioner last night when things get less dramatic for A. She said, "when he goes home". Mmm..not exactly what I was hoping to hear! But then she said that every day, and then every week is a little better.

Bryan and I discussed on the way home that we need to always "let hope rise", but we also need to accept and be okay with the fact that raising Asher may always be filled with health challenges. We pray against that, but we can't have an expectation that when he goes home, all his struggles are over. We pray for that, but we just don't know. And so, we may have yet another thing to mourn. Having a healthy baby..and a healthy child. Many of the treatment options for the many things he needs have a side effect of neurological disorders later in life. That can be something like a learning disability..or maybe something more serious like cerebral palsy. (sp? too tired to look it up!) No matter what Asher's future holds, we have a Hope that shines through any dark spot, and reminds us His future is not in our hands.