Yesterday, in our conversations with the dr it came up that I had not held Asher yet. The dr said to Bryan that I needed to hold him, and that if he did ok, we would try today. We were there for rounds this morning, and he told the nurses that we needed to do that today, and then he came by once I was holding him to check in and chat with us. We really like him and are so thankful he made this happen! We were expecting it to be a while before this happened, so what a blessing coming off such a stressful weekend!
It was quite a production to get our little 1 1/2 lb baby in my arms with the wires, iv and breathing machine, but once he was there and settled, it was a completely natural and sweet moment. We were supposed to have 30 minutes and then just see how he did. He stayed with me an hour and a half! I was looking at him...and was just in awe watching his little mouth and tongue move, hearing little breathing sounds and feeling his whole body jolt against mine when he hiccuped, and feeling his little hands and legs, and looking in his open eyes that were looking back at me, and all I could think is, "he's really alive and he's a real baby and he's OUR baby!" Sounds simple, but I just can't explain it any other way. Not holding him has made him somewhat of a display like you would see at a museum..like you're not sure if it's real until you get your hands on it! After a while, the nurses left us alone, and then came back later to check on us and we just started talking with them. The best part to me was sitting in a rocking chair, rocking my baby, while we talked to them. It was just a few moments of normalcy.... a normal mommy rocking my baby while talking to friends! I'm so thankful for today. But to be very honest, it made me thankful, but also made me so ready to do it again and again- and not in a hospital! But, I know I have to pull my mind back to this moment, right now. Today. Because God has things to show me and teach me in each moment, and right now one lesson is definitely a lesson of patience..on so many levels. But basically I'd say it's patience waiting for "normal". Man is that hard! And then at the same time, it's a lesson of having patience and grace for not only where I am right now, but where Asher is. A good friend just convicted me on this! Part of being a mom is having grace for where your child is-- and not pushing them to be more or better, or what you or the world defines as good or normal. Ouch. So, Asher is not a fat, healthy baby. And I need to enjoy him and encourage him where he is, and not just be wishing for something different! I'm praying for this truth to sink in.
If I can do that..I can definitely survive the next 3 months, and not only survive, but hopefully honor God doing it. So I have to focus on each day, and I was feeling like I was doing a good job at that at Grapevine. We had our routine. And then our new "normal" got all jostled around with moving to Children's. So, it's time to get settled in again with Dallas now being Asher's home! My impatience reminds me of Psalm 13. I have really loved this Psalm many times in this whole journey..all the way back to my miscarriages and the long, long stretches of time (not long in reality, but emotionally VERY long) in between pregnancies. I love this Psalm because the first few verses do something that we all need at one time or another. They relate to being in hard time..they affirm that those hard times can be agonizing to your soul, and I found comfort then and do now in reading that. It shows me that we don't have to have it all together all the time, and it's okay to struggle in your heart with what God has given you. But, I also know it's not okay to stay in that spot. And that's why I love the end of the Psalm..because it quickly brings the reader back to a place of reflecting on Truth and God's goodness. I'll leave you with that Psalm and pictures/video from today!
"How long o Lord, will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me? Consider and answer me, O Lord my God; give light to my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death, lest my enemy say 'I have prevailed over him', lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
BUT, I have trusted in Your steadfast love, my heart shall rejoice in your salvation, I will sing to the Lord for He has been good to me. "