Not What I Feel, But What I Believe

"The righteous man perishes, and no one lays it to heart; devout men are taken away, while no one understands. For the righteous man is taken away from calamity; he enters into peace." Isaiah 57:1-2

I'm learning a LOT from my book The One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie. She lost two babies to a genetic disorder- both at about 6 months old. But this book is not exactly about that, but she draws from her experiences of course. It's about any struggle, or hardship you face, and finding Truth in it. A devotional I read the other day talked about how death is painful..and meaning "death" of yourself and your desires- what you want and think you need in life. And the loss of a child too soon tends to teach you about putting your desires to death quicker than a lot of other things. I would agree that's a lesson I'm learning. And sometimes I get frustrated with myself that I can't just "get" that already. I know all the Truths about what's good in losing Titus, but it's a struggle to get that, and feel that, every single day.

Then today, I'm reading about how when her daughter was still here, she struggled with thinking about all the things she would "miss". And then God pointed her thoughts to all the things she would get to experience instead, and sooner than us. She realized her daughter was "missing" out on a lot of things that God intended for us to enjoy..but she was also missing a lot of evil as well- a lot in this world that's not fun or fair or good. And that where she is now is only perfect and peaceful. There are no disappointments at not begin good enough, no sickness, no annoying allergies, no broken dreams, no friends who hurt your feelings treat as a child or teenager..only perfectness. She said she began to see that her daughter's "quick deliverance" into complete perfectness was not as cruel or tragic as it seemed, but rather a gift. Here's the part that really connected to me- because I have heard and agreed with all of that before. She says "not that it felt  less cruel or tragic. This is what I believe. It's not necessarily how I feel, but believing this makes a difference in how I feel."

That was profound to me. And I had a friend tell me recently that faith in her life is sometimes more intellectual than how she feels. That is making more and more sense to me. And it makes even more sense that choosing to believe God's goodness can actually change how you feel!  Thank the Lord for that!

Titus is always on my mind a little I think..but more a little lately as we are getting settled back in Baylor Grapevine and we are in close quarters with other babies. There twins in there sprouting up like weeds!  Plus, if you watch Grey's Anatomy..the little 24 weeker they've had on there has been all to real sometimes. So, little Titus has been more on my mind. And when that baby on the show passed away, and you could hear the little tiny breaths.. knowing those little tiny lungs were struggling to do their job ..well, it was just hard not to picture Titus. I asked Bryan if he did that. He said "no, that would had been really hard, he was already gone." Although he did tell me at one time that he did see Titus on the bed at first, while they were working on him, and his chest was rising and falling, but nothing else was moving. He looked very different compared to Asher who was very upset and trying to box and kick his way back into mom's belly! So, that image is hard sometimes to think on. The struggle of his lungs. But thankfully, he went very peacefully and quickly and his struggle was not long. And he's in beautiful place where he will never struggle again! So, after seeing that very vivid scene on tv of that tiny baby passing..it brought his death to the very forefront of my mind. And so, again God has blessed the timing of me reading this book. He has been so good to me in that every time I pick it up, something hits me right where I am!

I'm praying to continue to choose to believe how much better Titus's life is right now...in perfect peace in heaven and thanking God he got that gift as soon as he did. Titus didn't have to fight to breathe anymore like Asher did..and now he doesn't have to fight and work so hard to eat and digest food, and grow like Asher does..and any other struggle we see Asher go through, Titus won't have to. And that is a good thing, even though it may not feel that way sometimes. And I've definitely been comforted by these thoughts before. But I have to keep reminding myself I think. I think most of the lessons God teaches us, He doesn't teach us once and then it's over. We go back to it again and again. It makes me think of something being refined or purified..it's a several step process. I get frustrated and tired with myself that I can't just "get it" and move on. But that's me, I like to check things off the list. I don't think I can check off grieving well and move on! As much as I'd like to sometimes. :) And, I think also, God in His perfect wisdom makes that part of the lesson too..the fact that it's not a one time lesson or "easy" to learn.  So, I'm praying that choosing to believe this, again and again will get easier..and the sadness I feel some days will continue to be refined to where it feels more and more like a deep joy.  Not the flighty joy that has you jumping up and down. But that deep, wisdom- filled joy that is like a warm blanket covering you, soothing you, and embracing you with comfort.

Here's a picture of our sweet Titus. I love that he looks like he's smiling.

On a lighter note..we will be celebrating Asher's 3 month birthday tonight..so I will post pictures soon!!!