Journey to Parenthood

I want to be purposeful about journaling during this time in our lives as we watch our miracle micro preemie, Asher, continue to grow and thrive. I began this blog during my month of bed rest at the hospital while I was pregnant with Asher and his brother Titus. We continue to hope and trust the Lord for Asher's future. This blog begins with the story of how both of our boys came to be. They came about after many tears, many prayers, and many months of crushed hopes. On February 2, 2012, our boys Titus Bauer and Asher Mark were born at just 23 weeks and 2 days gestation. My water around Titus broke at 19 weeks, so his lungs were very underdeveloped. Titus lived 45 minutes and is now living a perfect life in heaven as he watches over his little brother Asher. Two and a half years later God redeemed our story of hurt with a precious full term baby brother for Asher. We are humbled by how the Lord has loved on us in our journey through parenthood.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Pregnancy!...."Behold, I am doing a new thing..I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert" Isaiah 43:18-19

We went to the doctor at 5 1/2 weeks, and confirmed we had two healthy sacs with babies inside! Our doctor was a little worried one sack had 2 babies inside! We had to wait until 7wks to know for sure, and that is also when we could hear the heartbeats. We confirmed at 7 weeks that there were just 2 and we heard their precious heartbeats! This was a surreal moment. We had never gotten that far before..both of our eyes welled up with tears. Those tears meant more than we could probably say at the moment..relief, joy, excitement, many things. A hard 2 years of trying to have a baby was looking as though it was coming to a close. Right then we "graduated" from our fertility doctor..and were sent on to an ob! I didn't want to leave! I loved our doctor! But, I knew this was part of being "normal"..what I had wanted for so long, right?

The thing is, when you come from fertility and go to an ob..everyone's pregnant. You are no longer as special! My ob's office was like a pregnant cattle call every time I went. There are tons of people pregnant at the same time! Our first appointment was at 9 weeks. The babies still looked good, and we were set to come back at 13. We met and talked with our new doctor and liked her right away. I was still experiences had not left me, and so I was REALLY looking forward to 13 weeks when the chance of miscarriage or losing one twin really goes down.

From before 6 weeks pregnant all the way to 13..I still struggled with having the heart of an infertile girl. Just because I was pregnant, and it seemed to be going fine, didn't mean all the painful feelings I had experienced in the past 2 years had left. I struggled to find a balance of begin joyful and not fearful or protective in my heart. And all the books I had on infertility did not discuss how to deal with finally being pregnant. This was something I had never thought of before. There needs to be a book! Friends and my husband would get frustrated from time to time with me not letting myself go and just being "happy". They loved me, and wanted more than anything for me to be joyful in this. But I just wasn't ready. I been through too much pain to wisk that out the door and suddenly flutter about in pregnant bliss. I was no longer naive in this area, that had been taken from me. I ended up going to a christian counseling session during this time to deal with these emotions. What I walked away with was that it was okay for me and Bryan to not be in the same place at the same time. We needed to pray for each other, listen to each other's hearts...but not be frustrated we both weren't feeling all the same emotions. And that went for friends as well. I knew they were just waiting to jump for joy with me! But, being the sweet, gentle friends that they are..they patiently waited for me to catch up. My husband was the same way, patient and loving while I struggled to believe and trust. I prayed often through this time, and really just went at my own pace while anxiously awaiting the next appointment. The wait from 9wks to 13 wks was no doubt the hardest!

The week of Thanksgiving we were back for our 13 wk appt. Everything still looked great! We were thrilled! We had an announcement ready to go and made it officially public. That moment had seemed FAR away for so long. It was such a blessing to be there in that moment, and just feel the freedom to start enjoying the pregnancy and enjoying thinking about the future! God was giving us a little bit of "easy" in all the hard we'd been through. It was a nice change.

In December, we went back at 17 weeks and were going to find out the genders of the babies! We had a sneak peak at we know one was a boy for sure, but the other was hard to tell..although it also looked boy. But I wanted to hold out some hope for a girl so we just quietly waited until this appointment to know for sure. And so...TWO BOYS it was! WO! I wasn't sure if God was just really having a good ole laugh up there or not. I'm a pretty girly girl. But, I knew HE knew better than I did and knew what I needed. We were SO thankful to still have two healthy babies! I just decided I would completely spoil all my girl godchildren!! None of their moms protested. ;)

This is the point when I really "let go" in my mind..and just started to plan and think about things to buy, etc. It was easier to do all of that knowing what the babies were...and I was thankful that everything could just be similar since they were 2 of the same! We got some CUTE boy things around Christmas time, my tummy was growing and showing, and it was just a happy time.

Then, on New Years husband and I both prayed some powerful prayers. We didn't know how seriously God would take them. We'd prayed these kind of things before. We discussed how I had prayed for a better dependence on God..I had noticed now that things were getting "easier" that I wasn't depending on Him like I should. I feel like depending on Him daily is a life long roller coaster and lesson for me. Bryan shared he really wanted God to increase and deepen his prayer life.

And so- God did just those two things. Though not in a way we hoped for or ever imagined.

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