Baby Ninja Has New Moves!

Last week when I posted about Easter, I said how Asher had started rocking and sitting on his own a little. And now he's doing it ALL THE TIME. It's so fun to watch!!! He'll roll, sit, rock, then go down to a roll again to get where he wants to go. And then today, he added this new move! Downward dog? Yoga? I don't know? But it's funny!

Here's a video of his baby ninja moves. I call them that because he is sooo not cuddly, and he just uses his combo attack of roll, sit, and kick- off- the- wall to get what he wants. I first called him my baby ninja when he was younger and wouldn't stay in my arms when I was holding him, he was constantly turning and diving forward or back and at that time he had also started wrestling my arm with his legs when I tried to change him! It can be challenging to change a diaper, and just frustrating sometimes with him for sure!  But, I actually just love to see all that he's doing at the same time! He does NOT want to be still. Ever. No cuddling, no rocking. Just put me down. I got things to do mom. :) 

Here's a few more pics of what he's been up to. 

Rocking! 

The vacuum was on- not scared! 

My big boy just sitting and playing 

Dinner out-- on a patio!  

Forgot the placemat for him...oops. So, Bryan says "can we sanitize the inside of his 

mouth??" Ha, we wish. 

So big! 

As far as eating goes...we are doing the same- just hoping to try some higher calorie finger foods in the near future. This week he's had some trouble with throw up, so we haven't been too aggressive the last few days with new things. (New things often trigger throw up.) We've been sticking to the baby snacks and some fruit. BUT he sure did drink ONE OUNCE of water the other night in just a few minutes while I watched and then AGAIN last night! He only takes sips throughout the day, and that first day I actually forgot to offer the water so he must have been thirsty? That's kind of foreign to us because we don't have a baby that ever looks or acts hungry or thirsty. But SUCKING an ounce is a HUGE thing for him! He looked just like a pro- like he'd been sucking on a bottle this whole time. We were so proud. The feeding tube world is full of highs and lows with oral eating so we are thankful for that high this week! 

Just laughing at who know what after doing the oral part of his feeding! This is when I give him some toys and we read books while we wait for the milk to finish going in. And he just had a few things to say first I guess! 

How Lovely is Your Dwelling Place -"By the Holy Spirit who dwells within us.." 2 Timothy 1:14

I have to blog about this, because it's something God showed me this week that I think many women can relate to, and maybe need to hear.

In my bible study, we've been studying the tabernacle and God's instructions to the nation of Israel on every tiny detail of constructing it. And the imagery in studying this has been awesome. The tabernacle, then, was the dwelling place of God. Since the cross, we are now a dwelling place of God. We have the honor of housing His Spirit.

"And who has also put His seal on us, and given us His Spirit in our hearts..." 2 Corinthians 1:22

"I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual act of worship." Romans 12:1

I learned that second verse in my 20's. I always thought it to be talking about physically, as in keeping yourself pure before marriage. It has a new meaning to me today, after hearing it in bible study last night. I think this verse reminds me that my body is a holy place, a place to reflect worship--no matter what is happening in my body, no matter what it does or doesn't do. All of me should reflect the Lord, and all parts of my life. In the last few weeks, I have been struggling with the reality of my body just not working correctly in the area of making, and sustaining/carrying babies.  For different reasons, it all came up again in my mind...what I had been through, and how different my experience was compared to most of the people around me. I think it's part of the grieving/mourning process to revisit this often. And believe me, it's not something I keep wanting to revisit! But because of my experience, I don't think the same as I once did about any of it. It has been tough battling through my thoughts some days.  And being a mother, and having friends who are all mothers, has meant conversations are often about pregnancy, birth plans, baby milestones, etc.  Some days those topics are not sensitive to me. Some days they are, and I try to "tune" out certain parts of the conversation. Some days, those topics are suffocating and like tiny daggers to my heart, and I can't even stick around to try to tune them out.

So many things in motherhood stand as badges of honor for some strange reason. Pride is that reason I guess. And idolatry.  I have so much boasting to do in the LORD when it comes to how I became a mother. But I don't tend to see it that way. I tend to see all the deficiencies in how I became a mother. It's like I wish I could boast in how I had 2 big healthy twin boys, rather than boasting in how the Lord tenderly taught and loved me through the early birth of my twin boys and the loss of one of them?  How through the life of the one who lived, against the odds, and the healing he experienced through God's power encouraged and strengthened the faith of many people.  I want to trade that? Really?? I mean it doesn't make sense. It's a trap I fall into. Like how the nation of Israel wanted to exchange their miracle-making, parting-the-red seas, providing-food-from-heaven God for a life-less, very limited god made of gold. The story God chose for me has so much more for me to be proud of and the best part is, NONE of it is a result of me or anything I did. The trap I fall in to is wanting to experience that "normal" miracle of the childbirth experience. I actually want to trade my extraordinary miracle birth experience with "normal". Really, it doesn't make sense at all. I mean God shows His glory through either experience. But I KNOW my relationship with Him is different, better, and deeper because of what He chose for me. And that is better.  I do believe, however, there is a sense of pride you feel in having your plans turn out just as you wanted. And that's part of this struggle too, for me, is accepting over and over again that His plans were better than mine.

I think that sense of pride goes hand in hand with the lie I believe often, and many do I think, that we had something to do with anything in our lives that was a blessing, was easy, or has gone so perfectly. That those things happened that way because of us. Probably not. I believe that's the common grace of God. None of us "deserve" any of that. Well behaved children. Healthy babies at birth. Babies who sleep well. Athletic kids. Good jobs. Nice houses and cars. All things we tend to claim. Now we do play roles in that, for sure, but I think it's terribly easy to find affirmation and identity in those things, and to glorify yourself in those achievements. It can be easy to idolize those things. So whether it's been easy or a lack of easy--it all points to God. Whether it's 3 babies in 3 years or none after trying 3 years, it points to Him. Whether it's husbands having amazing careers or being jobless, it points to Him. Regardless of the scenario, God can use it and refine us by it.

I also think I've struggled with being so hurt by the whole getting pregnant, having healthy babies thing because since I can't do that well,  I think and believe that my body is not sufficient. Not good enough, and that it's up to me, and I fail at that. This is hard to accept! I don't know how else to say that. The book Ache for a Child by Debra Bridwell, she says "He created us in His image with many of His attributes. It should come as no surprise that we share His desire to create. It's no wonder we can feel jarred and confused when we are unable to fulfill it." But, the truth is, it was never up to me. And, it was never in my control. I should not seek nor get any credit for creating and sustaining a life inside me. I know the root of this struggle is I never truly stopped idolizing that. That's the ugly, bottom line truth. So, I have been praying for God to change my heart- again. For Him to show me Truth, remind me He's better and that I can and should only boast in Him, for perspective, and most importantly, grace for others. It's exhausting to keep dealing with the same ugly emotions again and again. I get so frustrated with that. I mean, Asher is 14 mo old. Shouldn't I be over the trauma of Asher's early birth and the loss of Titus and the fact that I don't ovulate well? The answer, I think, is no. I don't know that I'll ever be totally "over" it. But healed? I hope so. I haven't been good about asking God to continually heal my heart. I've been arrogant to think "I'm done with that." I have had many moments where I have felt healed. But, I can easily forget it's a process. This former teacher likes to check things off the list and move on! Then, something I heard at bible study last night was really the icing on the cake as far as what Truth God has been trying to tell me, over and over again, since I began my struggle to becoming a mother.

Jen Wilkins is teaching the Exodus bible study I'm doing. She is very gifted in speaking, teaching, and communicating with women. You can check out her blog here. Here is the quote from last night's teaching that blew my heart up:

"You are the tabernacle, and if we live long enough, this tent of a body will loose the ability to do things it could once do. What if my body reached a point where all it could do is what it should have been doing all along- giving glory to God, and no longer being able to chase after lesser things? The tabernacle had specific instructions for it's design. It was perfectly made. The bible says 'how lovely is Your dwelling place'. May every stretch mark, wrinkle, every thing that is not working, point to the glory of God because the Lord has made his dwelling in us." 

So, can I think of this body of mine as lovely? This body that fails to do the one thing it was first designed to? Can I accept I was perfectly made? I often thought of those statements as referring to insecurities about physical appearance. It is a new idea to me to think of it in light of how my body doesn't conceive or carry babies well. Does that point to the glory of God? Can crazy cycles, no periods, miscarriages, an incompetent cervix, and pre-term birth point to the glory of God? (Deep breath/sigh) ABSOLUTELY. If I choose to see that and do that. What about your body frustrates you? Getting older? Everything getting looser? New health issues? Extra weight? Stretch marks? The same is true. Perfectly made. Lovely.  A dwelling place, a house of worship reflecting the Lord--with all it's imperfections, pointing to the Lord.

The fact that Asher came from me, came dangerously early, and that we lost 3 babies in the process of trying to have one points to the glory of God -- a million times more than one uneventful pregnancy with a healthy baby would have.  Oh I need SO much grace for my forgetfulness and stubborness! I am also like Israel in Exodus. They were quick to forget what God had done. They quickly idolized lesser things. Pretty easy to judge people who start worshipping a golden calf right? We think, that's so dumb! However, the things that subtly slip into our minds that we worship are just as dumb. Just as ridiculous as that golden calf in comparison to an all-knowing, infinitely gracious God, the gifts He's given, and all He has to offer. How many times can I learn this and forget this? How long will it take to shatter the idol of getting pregnant easily and having full term babies? I guess as long as I choose to believe that's better than God. I'm thankful for His grace as I continuously wrestle with it all. I'm thankful He sticks with me as I have high moments of conquering that idol, and then low moments of letting it rule me all over again. I'm thankful for the Truth that says He has made you and I perfect. Just as He planned. He didn't make any mistakes.

No mistakes here. This little guy and his story were perfectly planned. His creation, birth, and healing point to God alone.

14 months and Easter!

Asher's First Easter at Home! 

Last Easter....3lbs, this Easter 17 1/2lbs! 

Finally! A photo shoot where Asher's sitting skills are better. I've been waiting for this! 

He did so good!! 

Cousins! 

 Asher's first time to eat indoors in a public place! Eek! It was a BIG step for us. He loved it! We sat in the corner, so we felt better not being right next to other tables. 

The grandchildren 

Asher just turned 14 months (and 10 months corrected) and he continues to surprise us with new things! In one week he picked up the back scoot, wiggling backwards on his belly, and rocking on all 4's! That is HUGE. AND he figured out how to get to a sitting position from his belly! OH MY GOSH. I don't know if I can explain how exciting these things are because again, it's taken a while, and we have always wondered if he will have significant delays from being so small and being given so many different meds as a tiny tiny baby.  So, we thank the Lord for his progress! 

He did this right after I laid him down for a nap! Of course he's showing off and doing his "no hands" trick-- holding his blankie in his mouth. Mmm...who else likes to show off that I know?? (not me)

And his balance with sitting has improved SO much! I think because we go to physical therapy we are always aware of what's next on development stuff, and what we should be looking for. And because Asher seems to conquer things on the tail end of when is "typical" for his corrected age, I feel like I am always anticipating a certain skill for a long time before we see it. That makes seeing these things EVEN more exciting! I will cry when he crawls. I really will.  I just have to think, "My tiny 1lb, born on the brink of viability baby boy is doing _______ (fill in blank)" and it gets me every time!!  God's miracles don't get old. Especially the greatest and most central to our faith that we celebrated this weekend.... Jesus dying for us on the cross, taking the weight of all our sins past, present, and future. Now that, is overwhelming. That is THE miracle of them all. 

Happy Easter! 

Milestone Monday

#1 This little boy is starting to pull his legs up under him! This is BIG!! We have been waiting to see some pre-crawling moves and it's pretty much just been rolling for him since he turned 1. In the last few days, we've seen him do this when he rolls to his belly. He stays in this position for about . 5 seconds so there is no rocking or anything else going on because he quickly moves on, BUT it's a start! Wohoo little buddy! 

Asher's PT therapist says he has extension reflexes that haven't gone away, so he wants to straighten and stiffen more than he wants to be curled up.  It has just become habit for him to be in extended positions. So, he's always been good at "standing" and that explains why. It was probably more comfortable for him too to be stretched out since he has always had reflux and GI discomfort as well. So, we try to practice things like playing on his knees (this goes against his reflex and he just wants to kick his legs out straight), and in the sitting position we try to encourage him to play with his knees bent a little. 

There are lots of toys that help strengthen his legs, but I really wish there was something that made him stay on his tummy to help strengthen his arms and chest. It's on the list of "things I need to create/sell" after the whole experience we've had! (I have thought of several pumping products, preemie products, etc that need to be created to make the life of the preemie mom a little easier!) 

#2 Asher has tried some new "real" foods! He tried a cereal bar and did ok with that as far as gagging and such. He tried a real peas, steamed...and that didn't go well, nor did scrambled eggs. But, we will keep trying. It did take several times, of trying the puffs off and on before he could handle those well without gagging and throwing up. So, he just has to have time to get used to the new textures I guess. Next to try...cooked carrots, pieces of avocado, and soft fruit breads like banana bread. We'll see! This is his no hands trick, he loves to chew on teethers and move them up and down with no hands. 

#3 He started making the "b" sound more with babbling! I have heard him do the "mmm" sound when he's upset, but not so much when he's just talking. Then, Friday, he started doing the "b" sound when he was talking. It's sooo cute! I haven't heard it much since then, so we'll see if he brings it out again! That's something we've been waiting on for what seems like a while. 

Slow and steady little buddy. Take your time, you're a miracle boy and we LOVE watching you grow and learn. 

The Little Things

Today was a day full of little things that are really big to our little miracle boy's parents.


1. It was 78 degrees! Yay!


2. Lots of eating! Asher ate a LOT at therapy and then again at the next feeding at home. He ate 27 different pieces of baby snacks and some of them were cut up so it ended up being 38 bites! I don't normally count bites- there usually aren't much to count unless I'm counting spoonfuls of puree and that rarely goes over 10.  But, since I tried something fairly new, I decided to keep track of just how much he was taking.This is him on the walk afterwards and during the tube feeding part-- he looovvess to prop his foot up on the snack tray. Laid back Asher. He's like "ya, I just ate all that, no problem, what's next?".

3. Park swinging. This is only our 2nd time to go to the park! It's spring break too so I was nervous about it being crowded but it wasn't too bad. And I just stood between him and any toddlers eyeing him. I love toddlers, most of my 7 Godchildren are toddlers and they are precious! We just can't have any germy hands touching Asher still.  Or maybe ever. Ha! So, I stood ready to karate chop any one of them that came anywhere close. I will remember this when Asher is a toddler and he has that desire to touch babies! He had so much fun swinging and watching other kids. He just kept wiggling his feet and watching them and the shadows they made. 

Staring at the toddler laying on the ground...thinking "doesn't he know that's dirty?" Ha- 

It was nice to feel a little normal today. We have had more and more days like that and it is refreshing. Especially when we go do things many moms do with their kids- like for fun. What an idea! For several months we've pretty much just been going only to therapy, doctors, or my mom's house and nothing else "public".  Not even friends houses. So, yay for spring and summer and less germs! 

However, I was thinking though of several preemie friends who had normal taken away today-- 3 who were in hospitals for procedures or surgeries today or in the last few days and we prayed for them several times today. We prayed today for Berklee, Pierce, and Beckett who all are dealing with issues that come with being a preemie. Love you all and hope to see pictures of you playing back in your normal real soon. 

Milestone Monday

So, I'm not good at short posts but here goes! Many of the preemie support FB pages do "Milestone Monday" where members post what their preemies have achieved in the last week. Asher has been working on sitting up for what feels like a looonnnnggg time! He's getting better and better! Turns out tv really helps on this. Who knew. Never say you won't do something, or don't want to often. It may just help your child achieve a milestone! He'll sit and watch and stay focused on that or certain toys in front of him. But after a few minutes he gets tired and just falls back (where I always catch him) or sometimes he falls to the side, and it's starting to look a little more graceful. Ha. So, maybe one of these Mondays I'll get to post I can leave him sitting and walk away with worrying about him bonking his head!

He's also loving looking through his photo album at the end of his meals and hearing all the names of his family members.  It's so cute to see him turn the pages, and turn his head to the side like he's really looking at it and figuring out who it is!

And he got a new toy...a walker! Sshhhh, don't tell our PT therapist! I'm sure it's frowned upon as he's not anywhere near walking, or crawling for that matter. :) But, he doesn't spend too long in it. Again, things surprise you that you decide to do, or decide not to worry about!  We needed another upright form of entertainment that keeps him fairly still while he's "digesting" and trying not to throw up. He just goes backwards in it right now! But it's really cute to see him slowly scooting himself around the house. 

He's still rolling everywhere, today he joined me in the kitchen when I had left him in the living room! 

I love it! 

What's New...13 Months

Asher has been a busy boy! He turned 13mo (and 9mo) last weekend. He's working on getting the rest of his front teeth. He almost has all 4 on top down now, and almost 3 on bottom. So, that makes his mood very unpredictable from day to day! At his GI appt yesterday he was 16lbs 14oz! The GI doc said he couldn't be more pleased with his curve and that he is approaching being ON the growth chart for his REAL age. That would be amazing. So, we will keep pumping in those milkshakes! (His formula has higher calories than most, so I call it a milkshake.)

In physical therapy he's working on sitting alone, he can do it now but it's hard work and when he gets tired he loses his balance not so gracefully :) He's also working on getting up from laying to the sitting position, and just being more comfortable in positions he tends to stay away from. He is more comfortable being in extended positions...probably just from being a preemie and from having so much GI discomfort (back when he was throwing up 4x a day). Babies with GI issues tend to not want to be on their tummies too, or to lean forward and "crunch" up their tummy because it's uncomfortable. So, that makes sense as to why he's been so good at "standing" since he was very small. It was more comfortable for him to be stiff like that. We hope he will be crawling in the next several months. We will see! We also have to keep in mind he's 9mo old developmentally, and until he was about 6mo developmentally, he was struggling so much with reflux and throwing up...and earlier than that he had to deal with procedures, etc....so he's making up for lost time. When other babies his age were exploring on the floor and on their tummies as young babies, he was sitting up in a chair, "eating" for an hour or two (we had to run it very slowly through the tube at first) and then trying not to throw up. So traditional tummy time just didn't or couldn't happen. Since he started rolling over, he's spent the most time on his tummy than ever before! And he still doesn't want to stay there long. :) So, we know it will take time for him to meet milestones. His therapist said today, "He's on his own timeline."

We have such a different perspective than many parents who dread the day when their babies start moving and getting into things. We think "oh no" sometimes too, (like when he rolls over to my purse and grocery bags and starts grabbing things) but more often, we just hope that he will crawl, walk, etc. Every single treatment he had when he was born--everything we had to say "yes" to to keep him alive, it all came with possible developmental delays in the future. So, we just have that in the back of our minds often. But we ARE SO excited he's rolling everywhere now. It's so fun to watch! It can be hard not to compare though..when other babies younger than him are doing things he's not. But we always have to look back and look at how much he's done and how FAR he's come. His first 5-6 months of life were no cake walk! And that helps us with perspective!

In feeding therapy, he's been doing pretty well. He always eats well in therapy sessions, which is great. But frustrating when he doesn't do that at home!  He's still eating puree's off and on. He's also been trying puffs and yogurt melts more and doing pretty well with them. He still gags often, and sometimes throws up after a gag. This week, we will try some tiny pieces of peaches! He is off and on with all his eating skills- most of that I talked about in the last post! (On the left is how we used to do feeding therapy, before he was strong enough to hold himself up in a high chair.)

At this feeding he took 20+ spoonfuls of yogurt! That is a lot for him. He's been anti-spoon lately! 

    

SUCKING on pouch! YAY (this is a big deal) 

Exploring the bathroom

 

Getting rolled up in his play mat 

Overall, he's doing so well! We love seeing him turn into a little boy. He still feels like my little baby because he's not crawling yet or pulling up, but at the same time he seems so big and "grown" up.

First time at the park!

Walking and snacking 

Trying on spring clothes

Swinging with mom on the porch 

Sucking on a peach in the mesh

Walking with friends 

Birth- 2months- 12 months--Growing much bigger than a water bottle! 

This is Asher's new move! 

Laughing at mom 

Thank you for reading and praying! Our constant prayer requests are:

- For Asher to learn about eating and why we do it so that we can get the tube out one day

- Patience for us and wisdom as we try to help him get there

-For his esophagus, that God would heal it completely and that it wouldn't cause any eating issues. GI doc said we may need a procedure on it in the late spring/early summer as he attempts more solid foods 

- For his development, that he will keep learning and meeting milestones

-For his health. That God would keep protecting him from illness, and that we would trust the Lord fully on that as we get out of RSV season and can venture out more with him (eek!) 

THANK YOU!!!!