My "Frienemy" The Feeding Tube----Awareness Week 2013

These two video shows how we do a feeding for Asher. 

Ng tube,  g-button, "eating" with dad, and showing off the g-button in the bath

"Eating" outside- changing things up helps both of our attitudes! 

Well, I'm a tad late on this...but we've been meaning to post! I never knew about feeding tube awareness week until this year. Asher is 100% tube fed. All of his nutrition (formula now) comes from his feeding tube. He hasn't sucked on a bottle since he stopped in late July/August right before he got the g-button. It was a slow process to let go, and grieve that he would not do it anymore. And since then there have been several highs and lows! He is able to eat puree's, so that has been a positive. BUT, he doesn't always want to so that has been part of our roller coaster. And in the back of our minds...we are always wondering about his esophagus and the stricture (narrowing). Has more scar tissue formed? Does that have anything to do with his lack of eating? It's frustrating. And those are questions a dr can't fully answer, and can maybe answer if we decided to do another esophogram (x-ray). We haven't been given a good reason to subject him to more radiation yet. Babies are supposed to have like 1-2 x-rays a year (if any)....and Asher had days in the NICU where they took an x-ray of his lungs twice a day! So, unless he starts showing that he is unable to swallow his own saliva, or he immediately throws up food eaten by mouth right after swallowing...we have assume the ole esophagus is working as it was meant to.

Tube fed babies often have a harder time learning to eat by mouth. Asher at just 2-3 mo old (corrected) was having such a hard time eating from a bottle because of reflux, and the tube down his nose and throat. So, with all that irritation (he'd had something down his throat for 6 months) he decided he was done. So, he lost that connection of "eating/swallowing fills my tummy and that feels good". Everything he was doing with his mouth did not feel good so he decided to stop using it. It was a process to get him back to wanting things in his mouth. Development helped with this, because as he started nearing the teething age, he did want to chomp and chew on things. So that worked in our advantage!

We started him on oatmeal cereal at about 4 1/2 months corrected. It took him about a good week or so before he really wanted to try it. During that time though, he was struggling with throwing up. He would throw up 3-4x per day and usually each one was pretty large, about 2-3 oz of his about 4oz feeding. From parents, doctors, and therapists I have talked to...it seems like throwing up frequently comes with being tube fed. I think it has to do with the pressure of food coming in a different way, and the brain not really being "ready" for food each time and participating. So, we have to be very careful while Asher is getting his milk and 20-30 minutes after so that he doesn't loose it all. Many people talk about kids with reflux or babies that projectile vomit and how it's just gross and inconvenient. But usually those babies grow well, and still want to eat. Asher would cough, gag, choke, turn red, eyes water, and then throw up, and then struggle to clear his throat several minutes after throwing up. It was PAINFUL for him and for us to watch. And having so much come up was not helping in trying to get him to eat things. Think about when we get a stomach  bug and throw up, do we want to eat?? Also, it was stressful because he was always sitting at the 2% mark for his corrected age in weight. So, he's always had some catching up to do in the area of growing. But then, we also have to remember where he started- at 1 lb! He still throws up, but thankfully it has gotten less frequent.

So, when we introduced cereal and purees it was really not the ideal time to try to get him to eat because he had so much coming up. We started a new med, and that really helped at first. The throwing up stopped, and the side effect to the med (periactin) was that it increased appetite. So, for about a month or so, Asher took off with puree's! He was eating 1-2 oz of puree 3x a day! Over the next month or two, we tried many different foods and he really accepted most of them well! He didn't flinch at vegetables either as long as we put some fruit on the spoon with them too. It was so fun to feed him, for him to enjoy it and just eat....like any baby. I was making baby food and really enjoying getting to make his food, and watch him eat it. Things felt a little more "normal".

But, the excitement wore off, and probably the side affect of periactin and Asher stopped eating much by mouth. He loves new things, and so we've tried a few of the "baby" snacks here and there, but he is not crawling yet and many of those require chewing skills that come with a baby's crawling skills. So, we try puffs, and yogurt melts and he's been doing ok with those! He enjoys the crunchiness and he LOVES new things that make him feel like a big boy. Sometimes he gags on them when he's swallowing and then he might throw up everything he has eaten, plus some milk..so that is super frustrating! We want to keep his experiences with food positive. And we want to limit the gagging/throwing up as much as we can, and we are working on helping him loose his sensitive gag reflex. So, we will keep trying! We do lots of cheering and silly sounds while he's experimenting with purees or other foods in the high chair. We celebrate what may seem like "small" things to others. We offer him a combinations of things to engage him with flavors and let him practice his eating skills. Some days he likes one thing, and the next day he doesn't like it all. That's a baby for ya- especially a preemie. Opinionated and stubborn. And at the root of the whole problem is that he doesn't understand why he should put that spoon with food in his mouth. He's not been able to make that connection with his food always coming to his tummy through a tube instead of through his mouth.

So, this is a process. And mostly what I hear is, it takes time. It takes time for the baby to develop the skills to eat, and not gag and throw up so much. And then it takes time for them to understand and connect how much they need to eat to sustain themselves and eventually, get off the tube altogether. In the mean time, we do therapy each week, and we keep experiences with food positive. We work on lessening the frequency or length of tube feedings so that he can have a "normal" eating schedule that fits with where he is developmentally, and that hopefully, helps him to feel hungry. And we pray. We keep praying that he will enjoy eating one day, and be able to eat enough to get the g-button out! I think I will cry big tears on that day. That will be such an accomplishment and answered prayer.

This, by far, has been one of THE HARDEST on-going struggles we've had since leaving the NICU. To not be able to feed my child like everyone else, hurts some days. To not be able to enjoy feeding my child, and seeing he doesn't enjoy it either, hurts. To see my child struggle with something that is easy, or just comes to other children effortlessly -- that hurts some days. But, sometimes it's not painful, and I am just thankful for that tube, and the technology, and thankful that our little one is growing! But other days, I hate that tube, I hate that pump and the annoying beep on it, and all the syringes, medicine tubes, button pads, and granulation tissue that come with having a g-button. Some days I don't want to prime that pump one more time or clean it out. Some days I just wish I could pop a bottle in his mouth....or even better, nurse him. But those days are far from us now, and we've had to mourn that loss over and over again. A bottle is foreign to us now where as a feeding tube was before! Another mom called the tube her "frienemy".  I agree! It can be my best friend, and then my enemy all at the same time. But Asher being tube fed is just one more thing that God can teach us through. It's something that frequently causes me to pray. It's one more thing that makes me sort out what is really underneath my disliking that it's a part of our life. And that's always fun. To get to the heart underneath something hard.  (Sarcasm) It's actually mostly not fun. But, it is refining, growing me, and teaching me more about God's character, and that is something I can say I'm thankful for.

Thank you for reading, praying, and supporting Asher, Bryan and I. And, thank you for taking the time to learn about how some very special kids "eat"!

Asher's First Year Video

Asher's First Birthday!

   "They celebrate Your abundant goodness and joyfully sing of your righteousness." 

Psalm 145:7

Asher's birthday was so sweet. It was very special to have all the people that love us and him the most in one room together! We did his dedication at the beginning. At our church, baby dedications are done in the home groups- with your smaller "church" family, the people who will be walking closely with you. So, his dedication was sweet, but filled with emotion. It was impossible to talk about his birth without some sadness. The day Asher and his brother were born was not "the best day of our lives" as many parents say about when their kids are born. It was one of the worst, if not the worst. But, everything after that day, there was something to celebrate. Slowly, over a year...we had more and more to celebrate than we had to mourn. Bryan visited Titus the morning of the party, and that was hard. I couldn't go. I told him I couldn't mix those two things in one day. I really wanted to focus on celebrating Asher. But, I am glad he went. He told Titus he was proud of him for giving his brother a chance. He told him we loved him and missed him. So, it was a party of mixed emotions. But, like I said- it was sweet! And we did celebrate and Asher was loved on...From a distance of course...we still had to be very careful of germs since we are not out of RSV/Flu season! And we know every birthday will get easier and easier. I think we all needed to feel all the emotions, it's part of the healing process. Everyone in that room was with us that night, or shortly after, so I think it was healing to cry a few "thankful" tears together. We are very blessed to be surrounded by wonderful, supportive, family and friends. There really aren't enough words to describe them. And then, we have all of our blog and FB friends showering us with love and prayers too! So, it's been quite the year expanding our circle of friends! It's been a blessing. It's been hard, many days I have told God I don't want this- but He gently keeps showing me why this plan, and this story for us is perfect and right. And how it's not about me or Bryan or Asher, it's all about Him. Thank you for reading, praying, and celebrating with us. Asher is God's child and a product of His mercy and grace, and the prayers of His faithful followers! 

I ordered the decorations from minted.com. I loved being able to personalize the signs in the package! 

\

Monthly pictures

Dad is always SO funny 

Our sweet family of 3

Asher and the girls

My parents

Asher and the guys 

My aunt and uncle- Mary and Michael 

Steven and Tameka 

Bryan's Family 

Trying out presents...

Can't get the smiles with the big camera in his face! 

Had to include this- his beautiful Gammers keeping him from falling! Such a great assistant! 

In his great-grandmother's rocking chair 

Dear Asher,

Happy FIRST Birthday!!!!! You have grown into such a big boy! We LOVE watching you grow, learn, and interact with us. This month you fully switched from sleeping in our room to sleeping in your crib in your room like a BIG boy. It's been so fun for you to finally use your room. You are getting better and better at sitting and I know you will do it on  your own any day now. You are also ROLLING like a crazy person. You roll across the living room now! It's so fun to watch. AND, you stop every now and then and play on your tummy- YAY!  (You've never been a fan of tummy time.) And now when I unbuckle you in the carseat, you arch your back and push yourself out of the carseat. You shocked me the first time you did that! You have places to go and people to see I guess! You got your fourth tooth so now you have two on top and two on bottom. You have also tried some different foods like white potatoes, blueberries, zucchini, avocado, and some crunchy snacks. You really like new things when it comes to eating, and you are really wanting to do it yourself more and more. Some days you want to eat more than others and we are just praying that one day it will all click for you. You have so many facial expressions now! Your therapists love to see all the faces you make. You have this cheesy grin face you make now where you scrunch up your whole face. I need to get a picture of it! You are such a joy and a happy baby. Everyone always compliments on how good and content you are. And you are still a great sleeper, which we LOVE. Also this month, you are having more conversations with us. You will make a noise, then we will, and you will wait for us to do ours, then you make a noise back. It is so funny! You like to put yourself to sleep too. I try to sing to you and cuddle you and you just want to break free! Then, when I put you down, you snuggle with your lovie blankets, roll around, and put yourself to sleep. You are getting to be such a big boy. We love you so very much, and we are so thankful to be your parents!! 

Love, 

Mommy and Daddy

This is Big Boy Stuff - an Update

Asher is doing BIG things these days! First, he is just ONE ounce away from being 15 lbs! So, let's just say he's 15! That's great for him. He's struggled a bit with putting on weight fast enough, he gains pretty consistently, but still has a ways to go in percentile world. He's in the 2nd percentile for his corrected age (7mo). So, operation weight gain is in full effect. We just added more calories to his milk, so hopefully that helps. He's working on sitting, a sippy cup, teething biscuits, and using a mesh thing to explore food/flavors, AND he's been sleeping in HIS crib upstairs! AND he lays FLAT for his naps and at night after we do our late feeding. That is a BIG deal. We thought he could never sleep flat because of all the throwing up he was doing. Asher is moving so much more too! He never wants to stop moving, grabbing, reaching, or jumping. It's so fun! So, exciting things are happening here. He's currently on a little bit of a food strike, so that is why we are trying the sippy cup, and those other things so we can continue to engage him orally while he's getting a tube feeding. It is frustrating to see him struggle with understanding/liking eating and to do great with it for a while, then not, then do good again, then not. We also often wonder, in the back of our mind, if the stricture he had in his esophagus is tightening up again. That's frustrating too trying to figure that out and decide whether we need to do an esophogram or not (x-ray- not a pleasant process with strapping him down and putting an ng down his throat). Our GI doc says "we'll know" if it's becoming an issue and if we need to do that. That's another story. So, the roller coaster we got on when he was born has not stopped yet...it just looks a little different. So, some days that is challenging for me...to not get my joy or feel a day was a "success" based on what Asher does. I've been having to remind myself my joy should only come from the Lord. Easy to say, hard to do some days. And then I get a giggle or squeal of him and I forget all about, for the moment, our eating challenges.

He is such a happy boy most of the time, and pretty easy going. He's good with playing by himself or entertaining himself, and he's a pretty good sleeper, which is awesome! Sometimes when I put him down for a nap, he's so ready to nap he just turns away from me, and starts sucking on his lovey blanket. He doesn't need to be rocked or comforted much, he has learned to self soothe even though he doesn't suck on a paci or his thumb.  He sucks on his little blanket or on his arm. It's really cute. I'm pretty darn thankful for his sleeping skills too. I just love watching him learn about the world and things around him. I love watching him focus on something and then look at it like he's really thinking hard about it.

Speaking of looking and focusing...Asher had an eye exam last week and it went so well! The dr said he looks like "any 11 mo old" and "this is really a blessing" since he was born so early and had so much oxygen. So, we go back in a year and most likely his vision now is just up to genetics. That was SO amazing to hear. Another prayer answered. Thank you for following his progress and continuing to pray. We'd love prayers for protection over his health in this crazy flu/rsv season (it's scary and sickness would be devastating to his health) and also for his eating/esophagus...that he'd slowly understand eating, and would want to do it, and that we would ultimately just trust the Lord on that and what to do to help him. We need wisdom on when to move, and when to just sit still and let time do it's thing.  Thanks so much :)

Love this smile and that tooth!! 

Sitting and sippy cup practice 

Exploring new things in the mouth...sleeping in the crib...sleeping other places too. :) 

Smiles in the high chair are good! 

Dear 2012, You Will and Will Not Be Missed.

Dear 2012, you will and will not be missed. I can say that statement, and really mean both sides of it. 2012 was, hands down, the most challenging year for Bryan and I. Prior to that, we thought 2011 would have been that year for us- the year we had two miscarriages. While those were both so heartbreaking...we had no idea how well we would understand what it feels like to be heartbroken. Or what it means when we say something is bittersweet. I think I used those words before, but I never had a face to face experience with them until this year.  So, I have mixed emotions saying goodbye to 2012. I mean, I'm very happy to say goodbye to it and look ahead. I am very happy to be out of some of the agonizing, stressful situations we were in. But, I also have learned the value in holding on to and remembering how God has stretched, shaped, and enriched my heart in what's been tragic, hard and sad.

In a sermon from the spring of 2011, I wrote in my notes what the pastor was emphasizing. It was the phrase,  "remembering rightly redeems rejoicing".  As I was reflecting on the year, my mind began to wander, especially at night when I was going to bed. I would replay events of the last year. The traumatic ones. The day my water broke. The night of the boys' birth. The awful night after that when the nurses told us in the middle of night if we wanted to say goodbye to Asher, we needed to come to the NICU "right now". And so I found myself saying "I don't want to remember all of this." Then, this phrase from that sermon popped in my mind. I flipped through my journal, found it, reread it and thought about what it means. I think it means, when I remember God's goodness in something, I can rejoice. I can rejoice because even if it was terrible and hard- that terrible and hard can be redeemed. Redeemed means to restore, or exchange. So, the terrible, the traumatic, and the hard memories can be restored, or exchanged. Exchanged for what you might wonder? Those memories can be exchanged for ones with a hint of Light in them. What was hard doesn't change. But, now I can see that there is goodness in them. And remembering that- the Goodness, and the Light that can be found in those memories, that exchanges sadness and bitterness with thankfulness and a deep joy.  That joy is not always marked by excitement or a smile, and it's not interchangeable with the word "happy." It's a joy that sits deep in your heart. Sometimes it makes you cry, sometimes it makes you smile, and sometimes it just allows you sit in peace.

Here are my top 10 memories of 2012 that have been redeemed. Ones that I can look back on and be thankful for. There are large parts of these memories I can now rejoice in.  It's not easy to look back on all of them. But God calls us to "Remember the wondrous works He has done, His miracles." 
(Psalm 105:5) And so I will. Thanks for remembering with me.


These are not really in a particular order of importance...but counting down is fun isn't it?? 



Number 10.

Feeling kicks and punches from Asher and Titus at week 20-21 of pregnancy while I was in the hospital. I remember being thankful that I had NO distractions ( I could only lay in bed), and so I felt every one of them, and I could just sit and focus on that. It was special time I had with just my boys. And it was something I had waited to feel for a long time. Titus was lower so I felt his flutters very low, usually at night. Asher was right in the middle of my tummy and he was very active! He would punch a lot, especially when the nurse would put the toco on my belly to monitor contractions. He was like, get.that.thing.off!! I started to see their movements too. That was really neat. Every so often, Asher would change positions and I would have a lump on one side of my belly sticking up. This is the last picture I took of my pregnant belly. I planned to take one at 24 weeks. I wanted to make it special and wait for that milestone. Lesson learned. I will take weekly pictures if I get to have another child.

21 1/2 weeks pregnant

Number 9.

Prayer. Right after my water broke, an amazing couple from church started organizing prayer meetings for us at the hospital. It was so humbling to be a part of that. I listened to it over the phone from my hospital bed because I couldn't be exposed to everyone. Later, Bryan showed me the video he took of it. It was overwhelming to see. And then we had some prayer meetings after the boys were born. Those are sweet moments I will not forget. God was so near and tender- and he used the people around us to show us that. Those meetings were a blessing that still brings tears to my eyes to think back on. It also blessed us immensely to have our church family praying. When our pastor asked for prayers at the beginning of the sermon the week the boys were born, it had an amazing ripple effect. Asher was MORE than covered in prayer. People from around the country and around the world sent us messages saying they were praying for Asher. And then there were whole churches in our area and farther away in Texas that we heard were praying for him as well. Many of those prayers came from family member's churches too. My uncle, a music minister, always says "I don't know another baby whose been covered in so much prayer." There was also a 24 hour prayer circle started at our church as well. People were praying every hour of the day until Asher came home. Just overwhelming. Again, thank you, just doesn't seem to cover it. 

Number 8.

Having pictures of our family and friends holding and praying over Titus. This is a hard, hard thing to look back on. But again, there is goodness in it. I cried looking at these pictures, and those were tears of sadness, but also just of thankfulness for the love in that room surrounding Titus. I am especially thankful for that because I couldn't be there with him. Thank you Amy, again, for blessing us with these pictures. This is one of those events you question if it was really real, and did it really happen? The pictures remind us, that yes, it did. Titus was our baby for a short time. God had decided he would go directly to Jesus' lap, and that his life on Earth would be short. What awesome hands to be held first by. I'm thankful for all the other hands that held him and loved on him as well. 

Number 7.

Titus' funeral. It was so beautiful. The message was perfect, the music was healing and we couldn't have asked for more. God spoke sweetly to us both that day. He confirmed to me, that He knew what He was doing, and there was purpose in this. There are many parts of that day that are sad to remember, but they don't stand out as much as some sweet memories I have.  A necklace given to me with meaning I will never forget, a nurse praying and watching over Asher while we were at the service, seeing family members and sweet friends who traveled from far away to be with us are just a few that stand out. We were so humbled and blessed by everyone who was a part of that day. 

Number 6.

Gifts, cards, meals, and messages. We were OVERWHELMED with all we received. Here is just a few of those things, it would be impossible to have a picture of it all! I got so many sweet, meaningful pieces of jewelry that will always be so dear to me. They each have story and person behind them that is so precious to me. Some from best friends, others from new friends, a nurse of ours, and even one from someone I have never met but she is a former preemie, a surviving triplet. Asher got so many special gifts in the mail as well--the box in the picture is full of cards, letters, and verses from people. I know "things" do not take the place of losing a baby or having a healthy baby, but they, along with all the messages we received, delicious homemade meals left on our doorstep, and endless prayers prayed on our behalf each served as a little salve that we could put on our hearts that day. A little blessing to make that day a little better or nicer. We can never say thank you enough to all the people who have showed us and continue to show us God's love through this journey. 

Number 5. 

Holding Asher for the first time- at 5 weeks old and 1lb 10 oz. When we moved to Children's, we did so because Asher needed heart surgery.  The doctor who was on duty that day asked about holding him, and we told him we hadn't yet. He felt that was very important that we do it right away. So, he made it happen. It was a sweet surprise. It took a lot of people and untangling of cords to get him over to me and settled. It was special, but pretty nerve-wracking as well. We had to constantly watch his "tolerance" of it. Meaning, if he had a heart rate drop, or a drop in breathing...so I can't say it was everything I dreamed for the first time to hold my child, but it was one of our firsts, no matter how it looked. And that's what made it special. It was a sweet day. 

His whole bottom and back fit in my hand! 

Number 4. 

Meeting great nurses, doctors, and therapists. This is a big one. We saw these people more than our family and friends for about 5 months. They became part of our family and part of Asher's. We are SO thankful for everyone who took care of Asher and went above and beyond to take care of us too. That's what we always said had to be hard about working in the NICU. The baby is your patient...but you have to take care of mom and dad just as much! I wish I had more pictures of all of them! 

Nurse Lindsay- one of Asher's favorites at Children's! This was right before he went home.

Asher getting an eye exam with his nurse and child life specialist holding his hands. 

He was just 2lbs here! 

Number 3. 

Family and Friends. New and Old. We have SO many new friends we would not have met if we had had 2 healthy full term boys. We have been blessed immensely by all of them. Some we have not met in person, and others we talk to often and see from time to time.  Many are preemie parents as well. It's so encouraging to talk to other moms going through similar struggles or concerns that come with raising a micro preemie. It was incredibly humbling to see people serve and love on us, and our families and friends only because they felt God was leading them to do that. They may have not known us at all, and some knew us a little, and they just felt "they were supposed to reach out." Seeing that example grew me in my faith and has convicted me to do the same for someone else. And then, there are our best friends and our family who have walked with us every step of the way. They cried with us, laughed with us, were anxious with us...every emotion we have had, they have also had. They brought food to us for a solid month in the hospital. They took down our Christmas decorations and packed them away. They did our laundry. They went shopping for us and brought things to the hospital. Our best friends and our family really meshed together as one unit during this time. We could not have gone through this without them. 

New friends- Nicu/preemie moms group 

New Friends- Keri and Amy- you both blessed us immensely with your support!

Bryan's family

My parents

Home group, our other "family!" These ladies are like my sisters. 

The husbands, an amazing group of men. 

Number 2. 

Watching Asher heal and grow. This has truly been an act of God! I don't think we realized how sick he looked until we started to see him grow and get better and better. Looking back at these pictures now, it just gives us a sense of awe. This baby, according to the medical world and their statistics was probably going to die- he had a 3% chance of survival being born in a community hospital. He was significantly at risk for blindness, deafness, cerebral palsy, and numerous other developmental disorders. In some hospitals it is very controversial whether doctors should even try to save a baby like him  (23 weeker) because all the treatments, ventilators, iv's, wires, surgeries, lights, sounds, people..all of that is traumatic to a baby who's not supposed to experience any of the world for 4 more months. Many hospitals don't revive/treat the baby if they aren't at least 24 weeks. Some people think it's not ethical to put a tiny baby through that. I can honestly say I can see their point somewhat. The life saving measures needed are really hard on their fragile bodies. Titus is an example. The doctor said after trying for 45 minutes to save him, "Even if I could save him, he wouldn't have any quality of life." (This was due to very immature lung development since he had no fluid from weeks 19-23.) And that's hard to think about. As much as I want him here, I wouldn't want him suffering. It's hard enough to watch Asher struggle with throwing up and understanding/enjoying eating.  Of course, I am VERY thankful that Asher was given a chance. I'm thankful he was given those treatments. I'm thankful for technology and advancements in the medical world in treating micro preemies. He can see very well, he can hear very well, and so far, he is doing very well developmentally. He struggles with eating, but as another preemie mom (whose child is also tube fed) reminded me this week, if that's all we have to deal with considering what could have happened- we'll take it. He can now give hope to others who might have a 23 weeker. It doesn't always turn out as the statistics say. Thank you Lord!!! 

This picture makes me smile because he never wanted his legs to be tucked in the snuggie. He was always kicking his tiny legs out right after a nurse would tuck them in. He still does that! He likes his legs to be free. 

After heart surgery.

Starting to get some fat!! 

First onesie! 

Fitting into newborn size clothes!

Right after g-button surgery. 

Much bigger than a water bottle now! 

Number 1. 

Being totally, helplessly dependent on God's mercy. And, learning a depth in my heart and faith I had not known before. When I started remembering and thinking through the last year, and I got a little overwhelmed and I said to myself "I don't want to remember all of this, what is the point? It hurts,"  God put some things in my mind I had heard somewhere.  One, was words from that sermon I mentioned at the top about remembering. And as I was looking at that, I came upon another quote and note from another sermon on the opposite page:

And there it is....getting everything you want without ever knowing Him versus being wounded and knowing Him well.  I think, on selfish days, we would say yes to everything we want. I know I would- some days.  It's not pretty to admit that, but it's true. That's the big lie--- that anything we can buy, get, be given, or achieve on Earth can be better than knowing Jesus and His Father. It's such an easy lie to get sucked into. I am so thankful for this reminder. I.do.need.Him. As much as I fight that sometimes and try to be tough and strong and do things myself, I need Him. I need His grace, His saving grace, over and over again. 

And then God reminded me of these verses, that to me, answer the "Why did this happen?" question and the "Why remember this, it hurts?" question. 

In John 9:3, the disciples as Jesus why a man is blind. They are wondering if he sinned, or his parents sinned and if that is the reason for his blindness. Jesus responds,  "It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in Him." 

Psalm 73:28 (NASB) says " But as for me, the nearness of God is my good; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all Your works." 

I'm thankful for His nearness in the past year, and that He chose to display his splendor, power, and might through our son. We will tell of His works. We will share His glory with the next generation- our sweet baby Asher. And we pray Asher will know the Lord well. 

Happy New Year!